Tears - what a weakling. Continually I asked myself - why are you crying, only to find that I could never answer myself. I don't know why I was crying at the oddest of things. I don't know why I wanted to lock the door, shut out the world and never get out of my bed again. And I certainly don't know why I thought I might find the answer at the bottom of a wine bottle, or at the bottom of my second wine bottle, or at the bottom of my third...... well you get the picture.
My diet suffered. And I use the term diet in generic terms here obviously. I don't "diet" in terms of following a set plan any more, but my eating certainly suffered. And not necessarily perhaps in the way you might think, where I would regress back to the old takeaway habit. No this time, arguably worse in that I wasn't eating that much at all. I couldn't be bothered. In fact, I just couldn't be bothered with anything.
Getting up for work was a chore. Getting to and from work, without a car.... was a chore. Actually working when I got there..... was a chore. Going shopping for food..... was a chore. In fact anything was a chore. Anything at all. Even thoughts. Often my mind was completely blank, and I'd stare into space on a regular basis thinking about....... nothing.
It will surprise you then to hear then, that I just could not fall asleep. With a mind full of hee haw, it should be easy to fall asleep, right? Nope. Often I would find myself having to crowbar myself out of bed to head to work, having not shut an eye for a single second through the night. Why? Normally I can't sleep for worrying about things. And there were nights when that was the case too. But for the most part - I lay staring, eyes glazed over doing nothing, thinking about nothing and not sleeping
Pull yourself together. Often I said that to myself. Get a grip of yourself, you're a grown woman, you're a sensible, intelligent person, sort yourself out. Yeah, not surprisingly that didn't work! :-) At the same time, I've developed this cold like virus - probably through lack of nutritious food/fruits/veg etc coupled with a severe lack of sleep. So I went to the Doctor. About the cold of course, because there was nothing else wrong with me. When I went to the doc, she sounded me all out and I held it totally together until she asked me that crushing question that will reduce most to tears.... "Do you work?" Crumbling under the pressure of such a difficult question - I burst into tears. I mean really - come on - what is wrong with me?? So anyway more questions later the Doctor was trying to give me a line for four weeks, to take some time off as she thinks I "might have a wee touch of depression" I refused the line, thinking I could tough it out and I'd be fine after (yet another) weekend of "chilling" ie lying in my bed, or on the couch. I did however accept her very kind offer of some happy pills. Citalopram.
I thought this was the right thing to do - get over it by taking the pep pills, acting "normal" like nothing was wrong and work away as usual. However - that's not exactly what was happening, because every day, I was sitting at work, struggling every waking minute to not cry at my desk, fervently hoping that no one would speak to me for fear of bursting into tears at such probing questions like "Can I borrow your stapler?" or "Do you have lunch in with you today, or might we need to go out at lunchtime?" Reading emails, and more importantly understanding them, a vital part of my job, was taking 10s of minutes instead of minutes, and I was working longer and longer days, and completing fewer and fewer tasks. Meanwhile friends both at work and outwith work, were getting concerned and closer to me or pissed off/impatient and further away from me in almost equal measure, dependent on the person's views on depression (or whatever it was they perceived to be "up" with me) clearly. A couple of friends in particular though, I really don't think they realise just how much they did - purely just by staying in touch and listening, or by making me meet them after work for something to eat and a chat.
But it's ok - because what I can do is get my backside in gear and get back to the running and cycling. Yeah that'll sort me out. Except see above...... longer hours at work, home in the dark, can't be bothered, staring into space, lying in bed...... yaddah yaddah yaddah, blah blah blah, excuse excuse excuse. And day after day after day after day, the running and the cycling never happened
Today however, I took the bull by the horns, spoke to my boss, admitted I needed help, tried not to cry and failed miserably, and started looking to getting out of this spiral. Fortunately we have a good Employee Assistance Programme in our work, so tomorrow I'll make an appointment with them and take it from there. But my word what relief I feel today.
So what was the root cause of the depression? I have no idea. I have a great life. Great family. Great friends. Decent job (heck any job in this climate is a good thing - right?) On the face of it to those who know nothing of me - I have everything. I am single, I have a car, my own home, a job, good friends who care for me. Even online people whom I've never met, keep a virtual eye on me. So what's the issue? Well - on the other hand - I'm single, I have a car, my own home...... etc etc etc. It's a very true phrase that reads you should never judge a person until you have walked a mile in their shoes.
So here begins yet another part of my journey. Work tomorrow then off for 3 days, during which the weather is supposed to be great. So my intention is to get out at least on the bike if not out on Shanks' Pony for a wee trot. Time will tell how I get on with that, but I need to try something. 22 weeks today I'll be a volunteer at the commonwealth games, and I fully intend to be looking great for that!!
