Struggles

You know, it's been a right struggle recently. I don't know why. I could cite worries about family health, money, work, friends, relationships, any one of which could be to blame. I could blame my loss of focus on having been on the holiday that for so much of last year I was targeting as a progress checkpoint. I could blame my often fluctuating mental health, I could even blame the weather....  well I'm British aren't I? Don't we always talk about the weather.....?  ;-)

Yeah I could pick any or all of those as being the reason why my fitness journey....... my blogging......... my progress....... have all stalled.  And I would be right. Whichever one I picked, at whatever given time, in my head.......... I would be right.  

I changed my facebook profile picture this morning to one taken yesterday that I really liked. And tonight, I had cause to look for another, older, photo. While doing so, I came across one which captured how I used to appear to others.  It struck me that the difference between this picture and the one I liked from yesterday was startling. I could not get out of my head how much happier, healthier and more alert I looked in the photo from yesterday. 

But for me the biggest difference was that one wee tiny part in the first sentence of that last paragraph "....one.... that I really liked..... " I honestly could not count the number of years that I have avoided cameras, or that I dreaded seeing pictures of me, or that I did not feel a stab of utter embarrassment each time I actually DID have to look at a photo of me.  But today? And the half dozen or so photos, taken of me yesterday? I'm happy to look at them, I'm proud to say "that's me in those photos" and I'm happy to show them to others.

But, most of all, looking at the comparison below, I look forward to seeing the one on the right being the "before" photo! I look forward to seeing what the next stage in this fantastic journey is about to look like. 

A chilled wee run tonight

Tonight I decided to follow my good friend Steph's advice....... shhhhh can you hear that??  That's the sound of Steph shouting "THANK FFFF.... goodness for that - at long last!"

Tonight I, again, couldn't be bothered, but following a lovely wee chat with one of the managers on leaving the office, and publicly announcing I was going home to go for a run, I felt I had to do just that.  So before I could let me change my mind, I ran upstairs, changed into the running gear and got myself plugged in to the muzak and out the door.

I'm still in turmoil over how far, how long and what frequency to run each length for...... etc etc etc - so tonight - Steph - I heard your words ringing in my ear - "just go out and RUN and enjoy it" So that's exactly what I did.  I walked my 5 minute warm up and decided I was going to run until I couldn't run any further, or til I got to the roundabout, whichever came first.  No pressure. Just run. I made it to the roundabout - clocked the time on Endomondo and walked for 3 minutes.  Then I ran all the way back to the lamp post where I started running after my 5 minute warm up. 

When I checked the lap times - believe it or not - the first run clocked at a few seconds over 10 minutes.  And I felt fine.  The second run clocked at just under 8 minutes.  Walked my 5 ish minutes back tot he house, did my stretches and dinner now smells awesome.

Steph. I can never repay you for all the times you are at the end of a phone/text/email to listen to my latest wailings on this hugely mentally challenging journey with a cheery, encouraging, positive response, but hey - baby steps - I am at least now heeding your advice at long (long) last!!

xx

Time to chuck it??

It’s been a wee while since my last blog, and perhaps this one may explain why.  I don’t know how many times I have asked myself in the last four to six weeks or so – “Is it time to chuck it?  Have I come as far as I can?  Is this really a step too far, and is it something I am just not meant to do?”  I’ve had a calf injury and a cold, followed by (when I got back to JogScotland again) a grave case of can’t be arsedness and I have truly struggled with keeping it going.  As each session with jogScotland went I was able to do less than I was doing before, and there was more activity taking place in my head than using my feet.  My thoughts were continually in that negative rut that I was struggling hard to escape from. What is the point of this, I’m getting nowhere, I’m miles behind everyone else, I’m not getting any better at this……. and other general oh woe is me type stuff.

To further compound my “misery” we had changed to a new block and we have new folk joining up which is absolutely brilliant for the club.  But from a personal point of view, this negative thought process that was almost consuming me at times was compounded when all of the newbies are better than me.  I can of course cope with that in itself, because I DO realise how far I have to go, and I DO realise how important it is for someone like me to take it slowly and ultimately I didn’t put the weight on overnight, so I’m definitely not going to shift it overnight.  But I think what slammed me further into the deck was listening to comments like “It’s only running for 5 minutes, I mean anybody can do that that’s a dawdle”  Normally things like that  I would just shrug off as chest thumping, but presumably because of the way I was feeling at the time, it really did feel a wee bit like a fatal blow to my already fragile, almost non existent confidence, and gave rise to these doubts to flow over and over and over in my head. In fact – you could say that this was the only thing “running” last week ;-)

For the last two weeks though, I have chatted this through with the absolutely superb JogLeaders who have totally turned my attitude on its head again.  They brought me round to a more positive way of thinking by highlighting the fact that I am gutted that I am not able to run 4x6 minutes is absolutely brilliant and rather than being a failure, it shows how much I have improved.  When I consider that at the very beginning the 10x30 seconds was even beyond my reach – I realise that they are correct – the fact I am getting down about something as insignificant as this is….. well actually quite hilarious really!!

So last night again, I never managed the 4x6 minutes, and again yes I was a little disappointed, but I can’t afford to be that way for long or I’ll never get anywhere.  So we decided we’ll just try it again next week, and the week after if needs be too, until I CAN do it. 

Back to those three questions from the first paragraph – “Is it time to chuck it?”  Absolutely not!  “Have I come as far as I can?” Not a chance – I’ve still got so much to achieve – and “Is it something I am just not meant to do?” No no no no no!  I can and WILL do it!  

Baggy Trousers

Today's blog post, is a guest blog on Stuart Doyle's blog Out the Comfort Zone.  A great idea for a blog subject as running surely takes us all out our comfort one at one point or another?

24 - Episode 3

This week, I ran for a total of 24 minutes.  Again, nothing to you guys who have been running for donkeys, but to me, who the week before Christmas was struggling with 2.5 minutes - this is now huge!

3 sessions of 8x1min walk/jog was the task for this week.  And that task was achieved.  Next week is 5x2 mins walk/jog.  BRING. IT. ON!!

What I'm doing to help me is noting what the next week's task is, and trying it myself on either the Saturday or Sunday prior to the week I'm due to start it.  That way at the jogScotland club, I already KNOW I can do it, so I'm a bit more settled mentally.  I'm not thinking I need to beat Usain Bolt.  I'm not thinking I should be keeping up with the guy in front of me.  I'm not thinking that I'm keeping anybody back.  And I'm not thinking of each passing second and wondering ow much longer I have to go.

I'm just running.  Following on from last week's blog, I'm much more relaxed, much more assured of what I am doing, and much more determined than I have ever been, to succeed.

I am not Usain Bolt

Clearly this will not be news to most of you.  However, I have just realised this.

I'm NOT Usain Bolt...........
I'll never be Usain Bolt...........

So why have I been taking off like I've been taking him on the Olympic 100m final?  Over the Christmas period our jogScotland group is off, but some of them have still been meeting up on the Tues/Thur/sat.  However I've not been meeting up with them, purely because I'm in a wee group on my own and during the blocks it's ok to "expect" someone to come out with me, but during their own time, I wouldn't expect that.  So I've hooked up the headphones, updated my old Spandau Ballet records and put them onto mp3, dug out my leg warmers and went out to pound the pavements on my own.

In doing this I have felt calm, chilled, and able to do ANYTHING! I happily went from 2 to 4 minutes in 2 weeks having struggled so much with the 2.5s.  And I'm happil going to attempt something different on Saturday morning, or maybe even tomorrow morning.  So why am I so chilled relaxed and calm running myself?  I can certainly state that it's not through any pressure from the jog leaders to run any faster.  Indeed they are at great pains to tell me to run at my own pace and run behind me.

So what then?  He he - it's got to me hasn't it?  Just when I thought I'd got over ONE mental barrier - here's another bloomin one!! It's me putting pressure on myself again running at a pace I think that they think I should be running at........  (I think that's right lol)

Anyway - whether it's right or it's wrong, that's far too much thinking right there! So this week I've went on Tuesday and Thursday and just run.  Nothin else - don't care how slow it is, don't care whether I'm keeping anybody back, just running.  And I have thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it, instead of trying to count every minute of it.  So why didn't I do THAT from the start??  Jings - I'm my own worst enemy sometimes :D

And to prove how relaxed I am now - here is a pic of me with the rest of the jogScotland group - just at the end of tonight's session ;-)

Still absolutely loaded with the cold

But last night was both the registration night for the next jog Scotland night,  and a meeting of the group we've formed to try and save the leisure centre we all use locally. So I put aside the cold and not only went along, but I decided to leave the car and walk along, see if it would clear my airways.

I also decided to try and move up to the next stage and try the 1min/4min jog. Here's where I have to make a confession. I've been telling everybody I did it, but I have to admit that my weary legs gave out ever so slightly before the beep of my HIIT timer. About 10 seconds before. But I'm going to forgive myself for that slight slip because by this time I had man flu and was coughing that much that I was about to be sick lol.

So. I'm claiming that as a success!!

Happy New Year

First post of the year, even though I intended to make a ceremonial post on new year's day. However the cold put paid to that and I spent a very pleasant day in the company of my family, albeit with a head that felt like it was full of cotton wool, and had the Atlantic ocean cascading thru my lugs!

So no fanfare or symbolic running on new year's day to herald the "new year new me" that I had determined that 2013 was going to be for me. I was disappointed that I didn't feel up to going running, but in equal measure,  I was also highly amused at myself. Here is a person who this time last year on new year's day, never even TURNED up at her mother's house, so hungover from the night before was she lol. And this year on hogmanay, aided in no small part by feeling rotten with the cold, I had about 3 halfs, as I was determined to run on the first.

Sadly, when I awoke I was coughing like a good un and I decided that as well as it not being good idea to go out in the rain, there was a chance it could actually be counter productive and set me back.  So a family day it was, and what a great day, despite, as I said, the waves crashing in my head. As for the new year new me symbolism that I map so convinced a run would cement? Well, technically, I'd need to do that about august. Because that's when I started on the jog Scotland path and THAT'S when the new me started to grow. So look out for a wee happy new year new me post around then from yours truly. Similarly, new year's resolutions also non existent for me. Instead of the usual unattainable pipe dreams, this year I have achievable goals and a determination to carry on the work we have done over the past 4 months

So all the best to you and yours, and thank you so much for being there, for reading this, for commenting on my travails and most of all for your unstinting, unconditional positive backing. Without it, I'd most likely have chucked it by now

xxx